Still

If you'd like to walk a while, we could waste a day. Follow me until the trees, I will lead the way. Bring some change up to the bridge, bring some alcohol. There we'll make a final wish just before the fall. 

Promise I will be forever yours, promise not to say another word. Nevermind what's done is done. Always was the lucky one. 

Watch the sunrise all alone, sitting on the tracks. Hear the train come rolling in, never coming back. Laying quiet in the grass, everything is still. Riverstones and broken bones scattered on the hill. Promise I will be forever yours. Promise not to say another word. Nevermind what's done is done, always was the lucky one.

Promise I will be forever yours. Promise not to say another word. Here forever deep beneath the dirt. Nevermind what's done is done, always was the lucky one.

I think one of the most painful things is that I didn't get to see you. But then it probably would have been worse. The pain of losing you at 9 weeks. Is it better that I didn't see you? I knew I was pregnant, but you didn't show in the ultrasound. You were already gone. 

I see my beautiful nephew and I think of you. I don't know him and I love him. I didn't know you but I love you. You both would be the same age, you two would probably would have been born in the same days. But he did and you didn't. And that hurts too. 

Not seeing you is almost like you didn't existed. It's like my pain is not validated through the existence of a picture.  No one could see you so nobody else misses you. Just me and your dad. He is in pain too, you know? Only both of us miss you and only we think of you. I don't know if that's enough but I hope it is. 

There's an episode of friends where Chandler is talking to the biological mother of their babies, trying to convince her to give them one more chance. He says "I really want a kid, and when that day comes I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife, she's already there. She's a mother without a baby." 

That's how I feel. 'm a mother without a baby. And I don't think anybody cares.